I haven't blogged in quite a while. Part of that is because I feel like all my thoughts are jumbled, and I can't quite get them organized enough to write about them. I also had this idea that my next post was going to be my thoughts on An Abundance of Katherines, Looking for Alaska, and John Green as a writer in general. I still do want to write those out, but I have to return those books to the library and my thoughts aren't as fresh in my head...
But, anyway, I've gone too long without blogging and I don't want to procrastinate it any more. Here are some of my strange and unorganized thoughts, written in my lovely, sleep-deprived voice:
1. I've been struggling for a while with being unhappy. The other day, I had an epiphany: I have been waiting to be happy. Like, literally, I have been procrastinating happiness. I mean, who even does that? Who procrastinates happiness?
So I decided, screw it. I'm done with this. I'm done with being unhappy, with waiting for my life to start, for letting myself be held back by anxiety and bouts of depression. This is my life, right now, and I'm going to live it the way I want to live it. I'm going to do what I need to do to be happy.
2. But, of course, things are not quite that simple. I can't just switch on the "happy button." Life doesn't work that way. So, I've started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I am absolutely loving it. I identify so much with this woman. I'm taking notes, and I'm going to do this. I'm going to be happy.
3. One really important thing I read in Rubin's book is a quote by C.S. Lewis. "When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." I think this touches on one of my biggest anxieties: my interests being too childish.
That quote, and Rubin's experience starting a children's literature reading club (which I totally want to do), have brought about another "screw it" moment. I do want to mature in the sense that I want to become responsible and independent and all that jazz. I've always been told I'm on the fast-track to doing so; I do perhaps act maturely for my age. But my interests don't align with the interests of my peers as an age group, and I'm no longer going to pretend that they do.
Today, I colored while I was watching TV with my mom and sister. It felt awesome and relaxing. And I'm going to openly read children's literature this year. I miss and enjoy that genre greatly. That's what I like. And, the way I see it, as long as doing what I like doesn't hurt any one and doesn't prevent me from doing what needs to be done, then I shouldn't have to apologize for it.
4. One kind of strange thing that I can't quite reconcile is the fact that I miss praying. I am an atheist. I don't miss praying in the sense that I miss talking to God. I don't miss God. But I do miss sitting down and thinking about other people, about hoping for something to help them or comfort them. Obviously, I can still think. But it just feels purposeless now. When I believed in God, I believed that those thoughts might be able to make a difference. I believed that by thinking that I really want the pain everyone in Haiti is experiencing to go away, somehow, someway, it might. Now I don't believe that. I don't believe an all-powerful being is listening to my thoughts...so maybe dedicating those thoughts are meaningless.
5. There is no hope for any kind of "theme" to unify this blog. (I'm just throwing that out there now in case it wasn't apparent before.)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
It's a New Year!
It's officially 2010. A few things have been going on in my personal life that make this not the best start to a new year that I've ever experienced. On a related note, I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and think about what my resolutions are going to be. I've never really taken New Year's Resolutions seriously, so I think my first resolution will be to take them seriously. Part of that is getting the time to sit down and really think about what I want to do and map out a plan of how I'll achieve my goals.
I do know that some of the more vague (and more easily-attained) goals are to blog more, watch more movies, read more books, and be better about keeping up with Internet-related things in general. So, I'm blogging today for the sake of blogging, and I've also started reading An Abundance of Katherines by John Green, to take care of the "read more" goal, as well as the Nerdfighteria/Internet-y goal. I've already got mixed feelings about Katherines; I'm taking notes and will probably write a short review when I'm done.
It's hard to pick resolutions; there are so many things I want to improve about myself. I hope this will be a good year. Welcome, 2010.
I do know that some of the more vague (and more easily-attained) goals are to blog more, watch more movies, read more books, and be better about keeping up with Internet-related things in general. So, I'm blogging today for the sake of blogging, and I've also started reading An Abundance of Katherines by John Green, to take care of the "read more" goal, as well as the Nerdfighteria/Internet-y goal. I've already got mixed feelings about Katherines; I'm taking notes and will probably write a short review when I'm done.
It's hard to pick resolutions; there are so many things I want to improve about myself. I hope this will be a good year. Welcome, 2010.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
SWMNBT and the Deathly Hallows Re-Read
I decided to re-read the entire Harry Potter series this year as a personal "Great Harry Potter Re-Read of 2009." I won't say it's complete yet, because I want to read The Tales of Beedle the Bard before the clock strikes midnight tomorrow.
However, I just finished re-reading Deathly Hallows.
Here are my super-gushy super-rambly thoughts WHICH DO CONTAIN SPOILERS.
THAT BOOK IS FUCKING AMAZING.
The first time I read it, I'd been out of the HP loop for a while, so characters, events, etc. must have been a little hazy to me. I think I also read it too quickly and anxiously--I wanted to know what was going to happen at the end; I didn't care too much about how we were getting there.
This time, having read all six prior books within a few months, everything about the Harry Potter universe was much more clear to me. And this time, I read the book slowly (well--as slowly as possible; there were definitely points where I got caught up in the excitement and sped up). And I found myself literally "hanging on every word," sometimes rereading lines or entire paragraphs. But this wasn't because I wanted to fully understand what was going on. I was just that captivated.
I have never had this experience reading a book before, and have never felt this way reading any other installment of the HP series.
There were so many times when I thought, "this book is perfect" or "this is so smart." Everything was so interesting to me; I felt like I was solving the mysteries Harry was solving with him. I wanted to know about Dumbledore's past, I wanted to know about the horcruxes, I wanted to know about everything as much as he did.
There were so many times I just fell in love with the characters all over again. Luna, and the mural on her ceiling. McGonagall, and her faith in Harry. Kreacher, and his war cry at the end. And Neville--how could you not feel immense and utter pride in Neville?
And this was the first time I really felt for Harry and all of his losses. This was the first time I really cried for Dobby. This was the first time I understood the depth and beauty of the scene where Harry uses the Resurrection Stone. This was the first time I appreciated the support and the cheers that came from the DA and the Order and everyone else who showed up to fight, because I understood what that support meant to Harry.
And how perfect was it that it was the Trio at the end? How perfect was it that they were in Dumbledore's office, where they were supposed to be, talking to Dumbledore, the way that they were supposed to be. How could it have ended any other way?
The entire time I read that, the story flowed vividly and intricately and I was captivated and delighted and saddened and entertained all at once. I fell in love again with that world and with those characters.
And while I realize that the book isn't perfect--and while I wish the Epilogue had not been written--and while I can't quite forgive the deaths of Hedwig, Dobby, and Fred--I love that book. I absolutely love it.
However, I just finished re-reading Deathly Hallows.
Here are my super-gushy super-rambly thoughts WHICH DO CONTAIN SPOILERS.
THAT BOOK IS FUCKING AMAZING.
The first time I read it, I'd been out of the HP loop for a while, so characters, events, etc. must have been a little hazy to me. I think I also read it too quickly and anxiously--I wanted to know what was going to happen at the end; I didn't care too much about how we were getting there.
This time, having read all six prior books within a few months, everything about the Harry Potter universe was much more clear to me. And this time, I read the book slowly (well--as slowly as possible; there were definitely points where I got caught up in the excitement and sped up). And I found myself literally "hanging on every word," sometimes rereading lines or entire paragraphs. But this wasn't because I wanted to fully understand what was going on. I was just that captivated.
I have never had this experience reading a book before, and have never felt this way reading any other installment of the HP series.
There were so many times when I thought, "this book is perfect" or "this is so smart." Everything was so interesting to me; I felt like I was solving the mysteries Harry was solving with him. I wanted to know about Dumbledore's past, I wanted to know about the horcruxes, I wanted to know about everything as much as he did.
There were so many times I just fell in love with the characters all over again. Luna, and the mural on her ceiling. McGonagall, and her faith in Harry. Kreacher, and his war cry at the end. And Neville--how could you not feel immense and utter pride in Neville?
And this was the first time I really felt for Harry and all of his losses. This was the first time I really cried for Dobby. This was the first time I understood the depth and beauty of the scene where Harry uses the Resurrection Stone. This was the first time I appreciated the support and the cheers that came from the DA and the Order and everyone else who showed up to fight, because I understood what that support meant to Harry.
And how perfect was it that it was the Trio at the end? How perfect was it that they were in Dumbledore's office, where they were supposed to be, talking to Dumbledore, the way that they were supposed to be. How could it have ended any other way?
The entire time I read that, the story flowed vividly and intricately and I was captivated and delighted and saddened and entertained all at once. I fell in love again with that world and with those characters.
And while I realize that the book isn't perfect--and while I wish the Epilogue had not been written--and while I can't quite forgive the deaths of Hedwig, Dobby, and Fred--I love that book. I absolutely love it.
Fandom, Family, and Some Non-Alliterative Thoughts
It's taken me about 19 years, but I've learned two important things:
1) I love people.
2) I love belonging with people.
I don't think either of those are particularly unique; I have a feeling that they're pretty universal feelings.
But last night, I realized a third thing:
Revelation #1 + Revelation #2 = Revelation #3 ("Why I'm So Attracted to the Internet")*
In person, I'm very shy. I'm also at that strange college age, where you're struggling to balance seeing "school friends" for half the year and "home friends" for the other half. I've always loved shows and books that featured a tight-knit group of friends, and until last night, I've always regretted that I've never quite found that. (I had something close to it toward the end of grammar school and then again toward the end of high school, but they were never quite what I longed for.)
Last night, I realized that I did have that (and to some extent, maybe I still do). When I was about 12 or 13, I joined an online forum. And for about 3 years, that forum was my home. I met the most wonderful people, and I'd spend a lot of my time online, chatting with them. Eventually the fandom died out, the forum fell apart, and while I still keep in touch with many of my friends, we lost that cohesiveness of a forum.
Then, spontaneously, a bunch of us happened to be online at the same time last night. We started a chat room (which is something we'd done frequently when the forum was still up), and it was exactly what I needed. I'd been nostalgic for "us" for a long time, and I am so excited to see that that "thread of friendship" is still there.
This morning, I awoke with the happiness and excitement from last night still buzzing within me. Then I checked my e-mail (one of the first things I do in the morning) and felt even more happiness.
See, I've been trying to start a collab channel on YouTube. Yesterday I sent out an e-mail to some interested people. This morning, I awoke to some lengthy responses. And this is what I love: I love meeting people. I love learning about them. I love that the Internet makes that so easy.
Sometimes, I worry that a lot of online social-networking sites attract frivolous and self-absorbed people. And to some extent, that is true. But at the same time, I love that I can go to a website and see what someone's thoughts are, or what their music sounds like, or what their artwork looks like. I love that I can talk to people through IM, or Twitter, or YouTube, or LiveJournal, or whatever, and learn about them and what they like and what their lives are like.
So, yes, this another YAY INTERNET post. But, the Internet deserves some "Yay!" posts in its name.
* This (I hope) is the most math that will ever be done in this blog.
1) I love people.
2) I love belonging with people.
I don't think either of those are particularly unique; I have a feeling that they're pretty universal feelings.
But last night, I realized a third thing:
Revelation #1 + Revelation #2 = Revelation #3 ("Why I'm So Attracted to the Internet")*
In person, I'm very shy. I'm also at that strange college age, where you're struggling to balance seeing "school friends" for half the year and "home friends" for the other half. I've always loved shows and books that featured a tight-knit group of friends, and until last night, I've always regretted that I've never quite found that. (I had something close to it toward the end of grammar school and then again toward the end of high school, but they were never quite what I longed for.)
Last night, I realized that I did have that (and to some extent, maybe I still do). When I was about 12 or 13, I joined an online forum. And for about 3 years, that forum was my home. I met the most wonderful people, and I'd spend a lot of my time online, chatting with them. Eventually the fandom died out, the forum fell apart, and while I still keep in touch with many of my friends, we lost that cohesiveness of a forum.
Then, spontaneously, a bunch of us happened to be online at the same time last night. We started a chat room (which is something we'd done frequently when the forum was still up), and it was exactly what I needed. I'd been nostalgic for "us" for a long time, and I am so excited to see that that "thread of friendship" is still there.
This morning, I awoke with the happiness and excitement from last night still buzzing within me. Then I checked my e-mail (one of the first things I do in the morning) and felt even more happiness.
See, I've been trying to start a collab channel on YouTube. Yesterday I sent out an e-mail to some interested people. This morning, I awoke to some lengthy responses. And this is what I love: I love meeting people. I love learning about them. I love that the Internet makes that so easy.
Sometimes, I worry that a lot of online social-networking sites attract frivolous and self-absorbed people. And to some extent, that is true. But at the same time, I love that I can go to a website and see what someone's thoughts are, or what their music sounds like, or what their artwork looks like. I love that I can talk to people through IM, or Twitter, or YouTube, or LiveJournal, or whatever, and learn about them and what they like and what their lives are like.
So, yes, this another YAY INTERNET post. But, the Internet deserves some "Yay!" posts in its name.
* This (I hope) is the most math that will ever be done in this blog.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Project for Awesome (and some thoughts about Facebook)
Just a quick post, to force myself to keep up with posting.
Subject #1: Why I love the Project for Awesome
I'm somewhat new to YouTube and very new to the vlogbrothers. Until this year, I was unaware of what the Project for Awesome is. (Insert massive *headdesk* here.)
How could I not have known about the Project for Awesome?? It's comprised of some of my favorite things: The Internet! Charity! Vlogging! Awareness! Creativity!
I mean, hijacking the Internet for charity? That is the best idea ever.
I love how so many people came together to make videos, to rate videos, to comment and favorite and whatnot. I love that people were sitting down and thanking others for making their videos and telling each other to DFTBA. I love that so many people gave their time to both host and take part in the live show, and I love the crazy conversations that ensued. And while I did some vid-making and commenting of my own, it wasn't enough. I can't wait until next year; I will be in full-force P4A mode. (And now that I've said it here, I'm accountable to the entire Internet, so I'd better hold myself to it.)
Also, a bonus fangirl moment from P4A 2009: when Natalie Tran (the genius behind CommunityChannel) was hosting the livefeed, she read my username outloud and said it was "cute." *smiles in a cheesily pleased manner*
Subject #2: Why I hate Facebook
I took a break from YouTube for about a month, so that I could stop wasting time stalking people and start studying for finals.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still very much love stalking people. That was what I missed most when my Facebook was deactivated.
But now that I'm on Winter Break again and I've got my Facebook up and running, I've realized that it annoys that (insert vulgar-word-of-choice here) out of me. I don't like that everyone can see what I'm writing to another person. More than that, I don't like that anyone can join in on the conversation.
If I'm writing on someone's Wall and you are not that person, why are you commenting on the post? Why are you even reading it? I wasn't talking to you!
Well. That sounds so petty and immature that I'll probably delete it soon. But really. Facebook. You annoy me. And Facebook friends: mind your own beeswax, please!
Subject #1: Why I love the Project for Awesome
I'm somewhat new to YouTube and very new to the vlogbrothers. Until this year, I was unaware of what the Project for Awesome is. (Insert massive *headdesk* here.)
How could I not have known about the Project for Awesome?? It's comprised of some of my favorite things: The Internet! Charity! Vlogging! Awareness! Creativity!
I mean, hijacking the Internet for charity? That is the best idea ever.
I love how so many people came together to make videos, to rate videos, to comment and favorite and whatnot. I love that people were sitting down and thanking others for making their videos and telling each other to DFTBA. I love that so many people gave their time to both host and take part in the live show, and I love the crazy conversations that ensued. And while I did some vid-making and commenting of my own, it wasn't enough. I can't wait until next year; I will be in full-force P4A mode. (And now that I've said it here, I'm accountable to the entire Internet, so I'd better hold myself to it.)
Also, a bonus fangirl moment from P4A 2009: when Natalie Tran (the genius behind CommunityChannel) was hosting the livefeed, she read my username outloud and said it was "cute." *smiles in a cheesily pleased manner*
Subject #2: Why I hate Facebook
I took a break from YouTube for about a month, so that I could stop wasting time stalking people and start studying for finals.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still very much love stalking people. That was what I missed most when my Facebook was deactivated.
But now that I'm on Winter Break again and I've got my Facebook up and running, I've realized that it annoys that (insert vulgar-word-of-choice here) out of me. I don't like that everyone can see what I'm writing to another person. More than that, I don't like that anyone can join in on the conversation.
If I'm writing on someone's Wall and you are not that person, why are you commenting on the post? Why are you even reading it? I wasn't talking to you!
Well. That sounds so petty and immature that I'll probably delete it soon. But really. Facebook. You annoy me. And Facebook friends: mind your own beeswax, please!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Finals...
Imagine: it's the end of the semester. Finals period. You have papers, exams, sleep deprivation, and caffeine jitters. Oh, and you're at an Ivy League school.
You decide to go to the library to get serious about finishing your work.
You assume that you will find like-minded, let's-get-down-to-business-(but-let's-not-use-that-phrase-because-we'll-wind-up-YouTubing-Mulan-clips-for-an-hour-if-we-do) students at the library, right?
I mean, finals, library, "prestigious school"... It sounds like a pretty clear-cut formula for STUDYING, right?
Well, if you go to Brown, you're wrong.
This is the actual scene: it's the end of the semester. Finals period. You have papers, exams, sleep deprivation, and caffeine jitters. After you waste time on the two new creepy-yet-grossly-addicting gossip sites that just been launched on your campus (BrownFML and Spotted At Brown, I'm looking at you!) you pack up all your things and face the Providence cold. You hope to find a quiet library with conditions that are more than conducive to studying.
Instead, you either find yourself in the middle of a rave or a mob of nudes handing out pube-covered donuts.
Let me say that again. You go to the library, and you find yourself in the middle of a rave or a mob of naked people with donuts.
Now, I didn't experience the rave first-hand, but I have witnessed two Naked Donut Runs in my Brown career thus far, and while I could not find any pictorial evidence, I can tell you that a huge group of students really do run through the libraries -- completely naked -- and hand out donuts. And it. is. distracting.
I was in the wrong library at the time of the SciLi Rave, but I did find a video, so here it is via YouTube user mraymond.
So, what I want to know:
Do all college kids lose their minds and make their libraries this distracting during finals, or is that just my lovely school?
You decide to go to the library to get serious about finishing your work.
You assume that you will find like-minded, let's-get-down-to-business-(but-let's-not-use-that-phrase-because-we'll-wind-up-YouTubing-Mulan-clips-for-an-hour-if-we-do) students at the library, right?
I mean, finals, library, "prestigious school"... It sounds like a pretty clear-cut formula for STUDYING, right?
Well, if you go to Brown, you're wrong.
This is the actual scene: it's the end of the semester. Finals period. You have papers, exams, sleep deprivation, and caffeine jitters. After you waste time on the two new creepy-yet-grossly-addicting gossip sites that just been launched on your campus (BrownFML and Spotted At Brown, I'm looking at you!) you pack up all your things and face the Providence cold. You hope to find a quiet library with conditions that are more than conducive to studying.
Instead, you either find yourself in the middle of a rave or a mob of nudes handing out pube-covered donuts.
Let me say that again. You go to the library, and you find yourself in the middle of a rave or a mob of naked people with donuts.
Now, I didn't experience the rave first-hand, but I have witnessed two Naked Donut Runs in my Brown career thus far, and while I could not find any pictorial evidence, I can tell you that a huge group of students really do run through the libraries -- completely naked -- and hand out donuts. And it. is. distracting.
I was in the wrong library at the time of the SciLi Rave, but I did find a video, so here it is via YouTube user mraymond.
So, what I want to know:
Do all college kids lose their minds and make their libraries this distracting during finals, or is that just my lovely school?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Internet is a Beautiful Place
For my "re-introduction" to blogging and to the Internet, I thought it would be fitting to write about why the Internet is beautiful.
Four days ago, I came across this post on Reddit. Basically, a man's mother had just passed away from cancer, and he was looking for help with retouching the last picture taken of her because her oxygen cannula was in the shot.
The response he got was absolutely astounding. There are over a thousand replies on this thread (4 days, 1000+ replies!), all offering their help, condolences, and kind words. One person edited out the cannula, the next person used that Photoshopped image to fix something by her arm, then another person used the image to fix the lighting, then fix red-eye, then fix a chair... All these people are collaborating on this website, building off of each other's work, to make this picture -- the last picture a man has with his mother -- as perfect as possible.
All of these people are strangers to one another, but they came together and worked together to do something beautiful.
This is the last edit on the man's original request post:
Sure, sometimes the Internet is an outlet (or even a tool) for very terrible things, but I think for me, for the most part, it's highlighted the good of humanity and taught me to be a more open-minded, caring, self-aware person.
I also experienced some "good of humanity" in "real life" today. I'm having trouble completing a final project and I really wanted to meet with my professor today, but I had to work during his office hours. I sent an e-mail to my unit yesterday hoping for a sub, but no one was able to take my shift. While I was working, I got an e-mail from my professor with extensive answers to my questions. Then the person who works the shift after mine came by and asked whether I'd found a sub, and offered to work my remaining hour for me so I could talk to my professor. I found out later that he'd just gotten back from subbing another shift somewhere else on campus and the first thing he did was think of me and the fact that I might've needed help.
It was so incredibly nice and thoughtful of him (and my professor for e-mailing me, as well).
I think it's a good thing to remember these moments -- to highlight them and appreciate them. These are moments that really give me the energy to "keep on keepin' on." These are the moments that make me proud to be part of this world. :)
Four days ago, I came across this post on Reddit. Basically, a man's mother had just passed away from cancer, and he was looking for help with retouching the last picture taken of her because her oxygen cannula was in the shot.
The response he got was absolutely astounding. There are over a thousand replies on this thread (4 days, 1000+ replies!), all offering their help, condolences, and kind words. One person edited out the cannula, the next person used that Photoshopped image to fix something by her arm, then another person used the image to fix the lighting, then fix red-eye, then fix a chair... All these people are collaborating on this website, building off of each other's work, to make this picture -- the last picture a man has with his mother -- as perfect as possible.
All of these people are strangers to one another, but they came together and worked together to do something beautiful.
This is the last edit on the man's original request post:
My family is so touched. When I posted I expected a few replies but for over a thousand people to help with the photo, offer condolences, or say how beautiful mom's smile was is overwhelming. I wish I could take the time to thank each person individually but cannot so I will say it here. Thank you. This was a picture from my 40th birthday right before things got bad. She has so happy. She was a wonderful mother and a wonderful person. I have always visited Reddit, but will now consider it home.
Sure, sometimes the Internet is an outlet (or even a tool) for very terrible things, but I think for me, for the most part, it's highlighted the good of humanity and taught me to be a more open-minded, caring, self-aware person.
I also experienced some "good of humanity" in "real life" today. I'm having trouble completing a final project and I really wanted to meet with my professor today, but I had to work during his office hours. I sent an e-mail to my unit yesterday hoping for a sub, but no one was able to take my shift. While I was working, I got an e-mail from my professor with extensive answers to my questions. Then the person who works the shift after mine came by and asked whether I'd found a sub, and offered to work my remaining hour for me so I could talk to my professor. I found out later that he'd just gotten back from subbing another shift somewhere else on campus and the first thing he did was think of me and the fact that I might've needed help.
It was so incredibly nice and thoughtful of him (and my professor for e-mailing me, as well).
I think it's a good thing to remember these moments -- to highlight them and appreciate them. These are moments that really give me the energy to "keep on keepin' on." These are the moments that make me proud to be part of this world. :)
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